One of the Hardest Things....

is watching the person you love cry and knowing there isn't anything you can do except be there and listen. That no matter how much you say you love them and they know you love them, there's always going to be this little seed of worry and doubt that grows but it isn't your fault and it isn't their fault. I blame the Depression Monster. It's a nasty vicious little thing that convinces you everything is ok even when the people around you can see that something is wrong. It tells you to stop taking your medicine because you're strong enough to handle things without the help of some silly little pill. But it's not always true. I'm not a huge advocate of medicine but when it comes to mental illness, some people truly need the help of medicine combined with therapy. When someone has a hard time looking for the positive side it's difficult to help them. So listening to him say the baby is a positive thing and having me is positive is a wonderful feeling. It's an every day struggle it really is but it's worth it in the end. We each have our trials and challenges that we're faced with and Heavenly Father knows how to bless each one of us so we can have the experience we need to have in this life.

I'm still coming to terms with my own depression. It's hard to admit you struggle with a mental illness. And even harder when people around you say it's all in your head or you're crazy and don't give you the support you need and deserve. After many years I've finally figured out my own triggers and how to stop them before it gets bad. However, I know sometimes I need medication. As much as I hate it myself, and believe me I hate taking it, at times it's needed. I'm grateful that I'm able to overcome my problems with support and keeping myself busy rather than jumping back to pills. But I know it's there if I need it. I'm learning that in order to change, you have to want it. And that means really want it. You can't just say you want to change but you have to do it and give effort. Until that happens nothing can change.

Little monkey, big monkey...

I'm sure you're wondering why my post starts with a title that mentions monkeys. Well, it's been a crazy up and down week. Last Monday we got to hear the baby's heartbeat nice and loud. And I discovered the baby enjoys my left side and doesn't want to be anywhere else. Nor does the baby want me to be on my left side. So I have random bouts of cramping every time I'm on that side. I'm assuming it's the baby getting upset with me and wondering why I haven't figured out to stay off the left side. Sorry baby, I'm learning.

And parent teacher conferences don't mix well with being pregnant. I get dehydrated from not having a normal schedule and again, upset baby. At least the baby has a way to tell me when it's upset. By causing sharp pains whenever it wants me to do something different.

So this morning, hubby and I wake up nice and easy since church doesn't start until one. Next thing I know he's saying "good morning little monkey" and patting my belly. Well, it only goes downhill from there. I ask why he's calling the baby monkey and he pats me on the head, "good morning big monkey." Stupid question, get a stupid answer I suppose. Then he proceeds to call himself Magilla Gorilla. So our new family is now, little monkey, big monkey and Magilla Gorilla. We certainly have a sense of humor when it comes to the baby. He's still convinced the baby has a tail no matter how many pictures I show him where the tail as disappeared. He thinks the tail magically goes away once the baby is born. Nope that would be the umbilical cord falling off dear. I guess he'll figure it out in a few months.

Hopefully by the end of this month we may be able to tell if it's a girl monkey or a boy monkey :) My OB said they'll look and see but for sure in April we'll know. And thankfully the OB is patient with all my crazy questions and phone calls. In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on my fabulous History Bee team! Hoping we win at the end of the month!